Look for the girl in the faded blue Dodgers hat and she's gone...

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

American Idol, With Less Adam Lambert and more Mob Hits!

Aaahhh American Idol. I have missed you in the months since you've left. Just when I was just about ready to give up from despair at your absence, you returned! How do you plan to top the amazing awfulness that was Adam Lambert? We shall soon see...Joining me on this wonderful journey will be two of my siblings-My brother Zach who I'll refer to as fooogooo, and Katie who will be referred to as the girl wonder

Well so far, you've failed. An Adam Lambert montage? Really? When will you get it that no one likes him?
Recapping the whole Pauler ordeal, tell us something didn't know.
And according Frodo (aka Ryan Seacrest) it is once again the most talented season ever.
And we can expect some more sob stories, and apparently we can also see some deep southern rednecks! I thought auditions were in Boston, not South Carolina?

Auditions begin, and one song is already ruined for me. Goodbye "Boston" by Agustana.
posh is on american idol!!!!!! wahhhhhhhhhh!!!!
She looks like anorexic and she looks like she's wearing a wig. Should be funny.

First up is a crazy woman with serious muffin top who says she's been playing the American Idol video game non-stop. And I'm also guessing she lives in her parents basement, fantasizing about Chris Daughtry. And then she started singing "Pocket Full of Sunshine" by Natasha Bedingfield. Holy crap, if this woman somehow makes it, she'll have my vote for forever. She keeps calling Kara, Paula which really indicative of the public opinion of her. We would rather a drugged
Paula who we can mock mercilessly than Kara who hasn't written a decent song. ever. Sadly, muffin top woman doesn't make it through and goes to talk to Frodo about her woes.

Next up is Maddy, who has 4 brothers with down syndrome. Knowing Idol, they'll probably milk that sob story for all it's worth. She then proceeds to make me hate her by ruining another of my favorite songs "Hallelujah" by Lenard Cohen. She's not bad, but she is incredibly boring. They send her on, she talks to Frodo and "Lovers in Japan" is now ruined as well.
THE GIRL WONDER: I think that if Gandalf were here he would be crying tears of wool!!

After, we have my new favorite, Pat. He's the most awesome thing since sliced bread and he keeps saying "Holla!" He sings "Womanizer" by Britney Spears and makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside because he's so amazingly awful. Randy told him to never sing again, but if he stops singing, does that mean that he and Kara can stop talking? They should have just let him
through anyway, I would have voted for him until my fingers bled.
THE GIRL WONDER: THE GIRL OF WONDER APPROVES!!!!! (p.s. he has an awesome accent!)

Montage of boring people who didn't warrant the full 30 seconds of face time. Frodo says that only girls have gotten through, Kara is not pleased.

And now we have, Amedeo who just has to make it through. It wouldn't surprise me if he was hiding the don of the mafia in his basement. He decides to sing "Hoochie Coochie Man" by Muddy Waters who, upon learning that his song was now mentioned in the same breath as American Idol, vomited in his grave. Judges like him, he's through. I can't help but wonder if they didn't send him through, if his cousin Vinny might have to make them "an offer they can't refuse" Oh well, he should be very funny to watch.
THE GIRL WONDER: well first italians have very good pizza and he had an awesome POTATO!!! voice

After Amedeo, we have Derrick. Someone should do a good deed and show Derrick how to wash his hair, because he obviously hasn't in a while. He sings "Sorry Seems to Be The Hardest Word" in the most annoying voice known to man. My dog started randomly ramming his head into the wall it was so bad. Which means that I really wished he would have gone through for his comedic value.

Montage of failures, including a man in a Yankees jersey. Brave stuff in Boston.

Then we have Mary, who is AWESOME. She's a Japanese Anime freak with a cape who apparently designs kimonos. She sings "Piece of My Heart" by Janis Joplin and is awful but I love her. She's shocked when they tell her she's awful and she says that her voice coaches told her that she was good, but then goes on to say she's had a total of 2 voice coaches in her lifetime. Of course she's sent packing, and we're back to boring.
THE GIRL WONDER: well first I love her cape and her kimonos are probably awesome!!! she should have seriously gone on!!

Next we have another montage, hot guy with a hat goes on, his friend who sings the Beatles not well goes on (despite my suggestion he be executed)

Then there's Andrew who I also love deeply. He pisses off everyone right off the bat, but amazingly they let him sing. He chooses "House of the Rising Sun" by the Animals and I actually kind of liked it. But Kara just starts PMSing and hates him for no apparent reason. Simon, being awesome votes yes, but Kara just made the public hate her more and he was sent home.
THE GIRL WONDER: well he was... how do I put it.. weird and thats all I have cause that's just the only word that describes him

Then another montage, this time of college students. Thus introducing us to the next contestant Ashley.

Ashley studies at the Berkley Institute of Music, and she's just like a million other people who try out for this stupid show. She sings "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys and I thought she was boring. I'm so sick of that song that if I never hear it again it will be too soon. She gets sent through.
THE GIRL WONDER: I LOVE HER SHOES!!! she had a good voice too

Then we have possibly my favorite audition-Tyler. He says he's a drummer and that he broke both of his wrists because he fell out of a tree. He's dressed like a 1970's throwback, and his hair is reminiscent of Shaggy from Scooby Doo. He sings "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye and he actually sounds quite good. The judges liked him and said he reminded them of legendary Jim Morrison.
THE GIRL WONDER: his wrists are very broken and he has fuzzy hair

Next day begins, and American Idol feels it necessary to teach us about the history of Boston. Yawn. It's a lot funnier to see Idol try to be funny then actually be funny.

Then we have Lisa, who I'm guessing is going to be a whole lot of crazy fun to watch. She decides to sing "Vision of Love" by Mariah Carey who I hate anyway so, yea. She hits terrible high notes and they say no. Well she was a letdown and I was especially tempted to vomit at the slow motion of her butt. NEXT PLEASE.

Failure montage.

Next we have Mike, who is kind of easy on the eyes. But what about his singing? Somewhere Kris Allen is twitching with fury. He decided to sing "Yesterday" by the Beatles and I fail to understand why people are feeling the need to butcher the Beatles today. What did the Beatles ever do to them!? He goes on despite my hatred of him.
THE GIRL WONDER: what did the beatles ever do to him I mean he totally ruined it

After Mike we have Katie, who has an inspirational story to tell. Spare us please? Okay no, she won't. Her grandma is going to forget her soon, and so am I. She sings "At Last" by Ella Fitzgerald just as everyone must. Judges like her, I'll probably forget about her tomorrow. Frodo starts to cry too.

Then comes Joshua, who according to Frodo is too old and this is his last shot. He sings "God Blessed the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts. He's too Kris Allen for my taste, and the judges attempt to get him to be more mean. Yawn, just send him on already.
Finally. Too bad he was so freaking boring.

Another failure montage

Then comes Justin. Ooohh boy is he pretty. He's got a sob story as well, but got to give the dude props. Did I mention he's pretty? Nice voice too. I could go for this. Kara looks like she wants to tackle him and she's drooling uncontrollably. I'll bet she remembers him ;D
He goes through and the judges predict the female population will like him. I'd put my money on that.
THE GIRL WONDER: he really is nice I liked his voice a lot and he his story made me cry a little either that or dust got in my eye

Then there's crazy dude who sings Cascada and I really wished he would have gotten through.

*Sigh.* another sob story. Guy with Nigerian parents. Name is Bossa. Didn't catch what he was singing, pretty generic.
He gets through, I'm bored and I'm really thinking that they could have gotten through all this without having it be two hours.

Then we have Leah who thank goodness is the last one. She says she's got crazy protective parents and she's already crying. Save us now please? Her voice is all right, but she kind of bores me. She just reminds me of Megan Joy. I need Paula's drunken funny comments to keep me awake!

And that is all for the first day of Idol season 9. The Girl Wonder and I are pleased to have shared it with you and hope you lived through this crap fest.

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